


Operation (s)PaM

by slyther_ing



Series: The Fault in our Chat Logs [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Multi, Quidditch, Reunion fic lol, Scheming, Sexual Humor, Suggestive Themes, hp chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 18:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20493443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slyther_ing/pseuds/slyther_ing
Summary: Warrington: i can’t believe you messaged graham privately to make fun of himFlint: lookFlint: my darling husband is playing matchmaker to two selectively-obtuse peopleFlint: i have slept on the couch for the past two days because Oliver needs to sleep in a very particular position that doesn’t allow me roomFlint: Let Me Have This





	Operation (s)PaM

**Author's Note:**

> stupid chatfics to help the writers block lol

**Oliver** created a group chat.

**Oliver** named the group chat _ Operation PaM _

**Flint: ** I can't believe ur actually going to do this

**Angelina:** sorry why are we all in a group chat again

**Montague**: woahhhh throwback hi everyone

**Angelina:** i thought we left all this while we were in school

**Katie:** honest question, and @Oliver, please don’t take this the wrong way, but are you doing okay? 

**Katie:** like we know you get a little stir crazy when you’re injured and on bed rest!!

**Flint: **“a little”

**Oliver:** shut tf up Marcus

**Flint:** is that any way to talk to your beloved husband

**Flint:** who has had to listen to your whining for 

**Oliver** removed **Flint** from _ Operation PaM _

**Pucey:** flint looks so outraged rn im cackling

**Flint **started a private chat.

**Flint:** babe

**Oliver:** i am the best thing in your life.

**Flint:** babe

**Oliver**: .

**Oliver**: ugh fine.

**Oliver ** added **Flint ** to _ Operation PaM _

**Alicia: **lmao weak

**Oliver:** shut up Alicia

**Oliver**: im surprised nobody has asked what PaM stands for

**Bletchley**: ok but consider this: nobody cares

**George**: oi I care Blegh-ley

**Fred:** oi same here Blegh-ley

**Bletchley:** holy fuck its been 7 years let that DIE

**Higgs:** shut your piehole blegh-ley

**Bletchley:** go suck a dick @Higgs

**Higgs:** oh i will ;) ;) ;)

**Warrington: **@Pucey come get ur mans

**Pucey:** [message undeliverable]

**Warrington**: excuse you

**Oliver:** GUYS!! MY MASTER PLAN!!

**Montague:** isn’t PAM a brand of oil spray??

**Montague:** i think we have it in our apartment

**Warrington:** @Montague we have SPAM in our apartment, not PAM

**Higgs:** PaM = Potter and Malfoy, y’all are dumb as fuck

**Katie:** …..ooooohhh nooo @Oliver noooOoooo

**Flint **started a private chat

**Flint:** how tf did u confuse SPAM with PAM 

**Montague:** cut me some slack!!

**Warrington** started a private chat

**Warrington:** i can’t believe you messaged graham privately to make fun of him

**Flint:** look

**Flint:** my darling husband is playing matchmaker to two selectively-obtuse people

**Flint:** i have slept on the couch for the past two days because Oliver needs to sleep in a very particular position that doesn’t allow me room

**Flint: **Let Me Have This

**Oliver** sent an image to _ Operation PaM _

**Oliver:** here are the details, everyone!

**Alicia:** merlin

**Alicia: **this is like the time when Oliver broke into our dorm and woke us up at the asscrack of dawn to memorize sixteen different chaser plays 

**Higgs: **i thought the Gryff dorms were charmed?

**Katie:** never fear, he found a way

**Montague: **holy shit it’s color coded

**Montague:** are those diagrams?

**Montague**: and timestamps???

**Fred:** let it be known that Wood never half asses anything

**Fred:** he always puts in - you could say - His Whole Ass

**Angelina** removed **Fred** from _ Operation PaM _

**George: **@Angelina marry me pls that was iconic

**Angelina** removed **George** from _ Operation PaM _

**Oliver**: aw i’ve missed this

**Pucey** created a group chat

**Pucey **named the group chat _flint stress bakes_

**Pucey:** can u make

**Pucey:** chocolate cake again :)

**Bletchley:** fuckkkkk yes

**Flint **named the group chat _u motherfuckers are leeches_

**Flint: **you guys will take whatever i make i dont take fucking requests mf

**Bletchley:** wow youre rlly on edge today

**Bletchley:** haven’t gotten boned in a while, huh?

**Montague**: miles do u have a death wish

**Warrington:** dibs on not giving the eulogy 

**Flint** started a private chat

**Flint** sent an image to private chat

**Flint: **permission to whoop Bletchley’s fat mouth

**Oliver: **i mean

**Oliver: **and i say this out of unconditional love and care;

**Oliver: **he may have a point

**Flint:** well if so, whose damn fault is that???

**Oliver**: imbaby.jpg

**Alicia ** added **Ron ** and **Hermione** to _ Operation PaM _

**Alicia: **i feltl as if we would be at a distinct disadvantage if Harry’s bffs were not included in this plan

**Alicia:** @Ron @Hermione please refer to Oliver’s wild diagram for catching up

**Ron:** bloody hell 

**Ron:** well

**Ron:** i’m glad someone took it upon themselves to do something about it

**Higgs: **woah hold up we can’t just base it all on the gryffs

**Higgs** added **Parkinson, Goyle, ** and **Zabini** to _ Operation PaM _

**Parkinson**: what is this bullshit

**Parkinson:** what is operation pam 

**Parkinson:** isnt that a type of fake meat

**Montague: ** @Flint you see?? its an honest mistake!!!

**Flint**: hmmmm no

**George:** @Higgs you can’t add three, now the ratio is all wrong 

**Zabini**: oh dw i volunteer to leave

**Parkinson:** @Zabini dont u dare leave me and Greg to deal with this

**Oliver: **hello new team members! Glad to have some extra hands helping out; as Alicia said please refer to the attached diagram

**Hermione:** while i am very enthused something is being done about this situation because god knows how much of a headache we’ve all endured at the denial for clear communication

**Hermione:** don’t you all have day jobs? Why is everyone online at 2pm on a Thursday?

**Fred:** oi you’re online too

**Hermione:** … the office is...slow

**Hermione**: anyways

**Hermione: **@Oliver i took a look at your plans and while it makes sense to get them to run into each other at a yearly post-hogwarts quidditch teams meet up - that currently doesn’t exist

**Oliver:** it does now!! It’s why I submitted a proposal to Mcgonagall!!

**Oliver: **she was in full support

**Oliver:** ...tbh i doubt she read anything past the intro but as long as it’s underway

**Montague:** bloody hell

**Flint:** to be fair to ol McGonagall, it /was/ forty pgs long

**Flint**: at least before i told oliver to cut it down

**Flint:** he didn’t listen

**Oliver:** obviously bc all my points were important

**Flint:** how was “i miss the smell of the grass on the quidditch pitch in the morning” a valuable argument

**Oliver:** it was POETIC McGonagall and I have a BOND ok she UNDERSTANDS

**Parkinson **started a private chat

**Parkinson:** on a scale of 1 - 10 how pissed do you think Draco will be when he finds out about this

**Goyle**: uh

**Goyle:** are we talking about pretend-mad-Draco where he’s keeping up appearances or actually-mad-Draco where he goes on a dramatic monologue

**Parkinson:** depends if he gets laid right?

**Goyle:** if yes - 5 on pretend mad

**Goyle:** if no I am running away 

**Parkinson **started a group chat

**Parkinson ** named the group chat _ escape plans _

**Parkinson:** @Zabini how many rooms do u have in your house in Majorca and how fast could you get us there

**Zabini:** if Malfoy blows up, its every man for themselves

**Goyle:** fuck u

**Zabini:** but

**Zabini:** 5 rooms

**Zabini:** 2 are mine tho

**Parkinson:** brat

**Montague** entered _ u motherfuckers are leeches _

**Montague** named the group chat _come get y’all brownies_

**Pucey:** awww @Flint you do love us :’)

**Warrington:** :* :* :* <3 <3 <3 <3

**Flint:** if I see any more display of emotion im throwing these in the trash

**Higgs:** shut up we know how you truly feel

**Oliver** entered _ Operation PaM _

**Oliver: **today is the day folks!

**Oliver: **everyone know your roles?

**Fred:** how could we not, you’ve spent the past two weeks drilling it into our heads

**Fred:** btw totally irrelevant but 

**Fred:** when are you off bed rest?

**Flint:** he’s off today

**Flint: **which means he’s captaining some of u fuckers

**George:** better him than u @Flint

**Flint: **are u forgetting ur on my team Weasley?

**George: **@Angelina save meeeee

**Angelina:** read 10:20 am

**Katie:** at least the money for this is going towards a good cause and not a total sham

**Oliver:** how could you call my hard work a sham Bell, I trusted u

**Ron **started a private chat

**Ron: **alright i think its time to talk malfoy up

**Ron: **noses

**Hermione:** damnit Ronald

**Hermione: **ok fine i’ll do it

**Ron:** ….

**Ron:** ….mione

**Ron: **….mione nO

**Hermione:** look i thought I was really subtle!

**Ron:** you would’ve been more subtle if you just said “hey Malfoy’s wearing tight pants rn, we thought you’d appreciate the view”

**Harry** started a private chat

**Harry:** um ron

**Harry:** should we be worried about hermione’s weird obsession w Malfoy’s thighs?

**Harry:** and by we, i meant you

**Ron:** ehh i wouldn’t think too much about it, she thinks a lot, you know her!

**Harry:** ok but she seems oddly into his legs

**Ron:** on second thought yes i have suddenly become extremely jealous, i should definitely talk to her

**Ron:** thank u for the heads up bro <3

**Harry:** no prob bro <3

**Ron** entered _ Operation PaM _

**Ron** sent an image to _ Operation PaM _

**Ron**: look what @Hermione made me do

**Parkinson:** shouldve left the lying up to us lol

**Goyle **sent an image to _Operation PaM_

**Goyle:** draco went on a twenty line thirst rant about potter’s seeker abilities when i mentioned the charity match

**Goyle:** thought u all might wanna see

**Flint:** jfc that boy is shameful to all Slytherins

**Higgs** sent an image to _ Operation PaM _

**Higgs:** interesting coming from u, @Flint

**Katie:** wow

**Angelina:** wow

**Alicia:** wow

**Flint:** fuck you that was 10 yrs ago how TF DID U FIND THAT

**Montague:** merlin bless the search feature :’)

**George:** i think my favorite part is “just bc wood knows he’s pretty doesn’t mean he can get away with it”

**Fred**: oo idk strong contender in “his ass is unfair i get distracted”

**Flint**: @Higgs DELETE THAT SHIT

**Oliver:** we’re getting sidetracked!!

**Flint: **@Higgs @Higgs @Higgs @Higgs @Higgs

**Warrington: **ahh i’ve missed the rage @’s

**Oliver:** marcus its fine, calm down, we have a mission here

**Flint** entered a private chat

**Flint:** as a married couple, I think its important we put up a united front

**Oliver:** tbh i think its quite flattering

**Oliver:** and im fully recovered

**Oliver**: so yknow what that means

**Flint:** ...oh?

**Oliver: **after the match, for old time’s sake? ;)

**Flint** entered _ Operation PaM _

**Flint:** ive re-thought it out and moved on from the matter, let’s continue with the plan.

**Angelina:** @Oliver what magic have u worked

**Oliver:** the usual

**Higgs:** gross. 

**Angelina: ** wtv, anyways, are y’all ready to get your BUTTS KICKED?

**Alicia:** nO

**Katie:** YES

**Alicia:** this is so unfair @Oliver how could u separate me from angie and katie!!!

**Flint:** relax Spinnett, just knock them off their broom

**Alicia: **BUT I DON’T WANNA

**Flint** created a group chat

**Flint** named the group chat _ the better, winning team _

**Flint: **ngl i was surprised by the teamwork

**Flint:** was expecting some bloodshed

**Flint: **however there was only bloodshed from the other team

**Alicia:** i can never forgive myself. 

**Harry:** i feel like a traitor to my kin

**George: ** ^ ** “**who am i hedwig”

**Harry: **GOD THST WAS ONE TIME

**Montague:** relax @Alicia theyll forgive you

**Montague:** once i accidentally elbowed Cassius in the teeth during practice

**Montague:** he still loves me!

**Alicia: **I BRUISED KATIE’S POOR FACE

**Katie** created a group chat

**Katie** named the group chat _ has anyone seen oliver? _

**Pucey: **no

**Angelina:** no

**Fred**: no

**Malfoy**: cassius and I found him

**Malfoy:** big yikes

**Warrington:** yeah, does he usually weep this much?

**Katie:** yes.

**Angelina: **yes.

**Fred: **yes.

**Flint** entered a private chat

**Flint:** love,,

**Oliver: ** alsdfasfldlslkdkdkkdfjakdjafljslfkjewiapjtpeILOST

**Flint:** yes, that’s an outcome from a match

**Oliver: **sagljeIM A LOSERraoijgfoid

**Flint:** granted you did give me your star seeker

**Oliver: **asdkfjlkaHOWDDTHSHAPPN@MElslflslslalslsdlf

**Flint:** ok i love you but i cannot translate that shit

**Flint:** remember there’s the finale of your plan?

**Oliver: **shit okok i’ll message harry soon

**Oliver:** just need to mourn for a bit more

**Oliver: **wallow in self pity

**Oliver: …**

**Oliver:** would sure help if you came to - ahem, comfort me

**Flint:** do you have any shame?

**Flint: **lol jk be there in 5

**Oliver** started a private chat

**Oliver:** hey Harry

**Oliver:** im a little...upset

**Harry: ** of course, of course

**Oliver: **sorry but, would you mind bringing some of the equipment to the broom shed?

**Oliver:** be there in a bit to help sort you out 

**Harry: **yeah no prob

**Flint** started a private chat

**Flint:** oi

**Malfoy: **what

**Flint:** go do what ur supposed to do

**Malfoy: **ughhHHhhhhhhh

**Flint** sent an image to _ Operation PaM _

**Oliver** sent an image to _ Operation PaM _

**Fred: **aight, George and I are On It™

**Higgs: **lol the ~duality~ in your messages

**Oliver**: Marcus you’re so rude

**Flint: **what?? The little git knows his job!

**Katie:** how do we know this’ll work?

**Parkinson:** Granger set a spell on the lock so the broomshed won’t unlock until they make out lawl

**Zabini:** ingenious. 

**Zabini: **unheard of.

**Ron:** oi shut up, Hermione worked hard on that spell. 

**Bletchley: **ay @ twins, do u hear anything?

**Pucey:** bletchley why are u such a perv

**Montague: **yeah whats up w that?

**Bletchley: ** fuCK OFF

**Fred:** lots of angry yelling from Malfoy i believe

**George:** “I shouldve known Flint was up to something”

**George:** “Wood’s insane”

**Flint:** ahem which one said that ^

**Oliver:** how dare they think Marcus would be the one to put all this effort in

**Flint: **oi i care about my players

**Pucey: ** oh?

**Higgs: **oh?

**Bletchley:** oh?

**Montague: **oh?

**Warrington: **oh?

**Flint: **lots of opinions from the peanut gallery today

**Fred:** “You’re such a git” and “you think youre all that with your smooth hair”

**Ron: **lol the latter was definitely Harry rip he never learns

**George:** ...they’ve gone suspiciously quiet

**Hermione:** are we sure they won’t hurt each other? There have been - prior altercations, after all

**Fred:** fair point

**Fred:** we’ll check to make sure

**Oliver:** mm good man

**Fred:** .

**Fred:** .

**Fred:** . 

**Alicia:** ???

**Fred: **well we checked, alright.

**George:** andd you’re all paying for therapy. 

**Oliver:** SUCCESS??

**Higgs:** @Fred @George my condolences

**George:** @Oliver if tongues on certain body parts equates to success in your book, then yes. Success.

**Angelina:** ehh you two will get over the shell shock

**Ron** entered a private chat

**Ron:** yknow i will have to say

**Ron:** we could’ve just done this whole plan without the whole reunion quidditch competition

**Hermione:** true, but then we would’ve missed seeing Harry and Malfoy try to shake hands with the least amount of skin to skin contact while making bedroom eyes at one another

**Ron**: thats my point

**Ron:** imagine how much we could’ve been spared???

**Author's Note:**

> idk what im doing anymore tbh


End file.
